J.J. Jack Shit

Apparently, Brazilians do have last names. (duh!)

And no, playing at the 2006 FIFA World Cup tournament in Germany doesn’t require them to drop their last names either.

Brazil has awesome football players like Ronaldo, Ronaldhino, Robinho and Kaka. However, all of them seem to have no last names at all in this 2006 FIFA World Cup tournament. Yup, even their jerseys and official stat sheets display only their first names for crying out loud.

So why do so many Brazilian football players go by one name?

Well, to tell you frankly, Brazil… is… um… STUPID.

Apparently, Brazil’s affinity for first names might stem from the country’s historically high illiteracy rate. MEANING, Brazilians are typically stupid, stupid enough to lose their last names… He he…

In Brazilian society, the use of a first name or nickname is a mark of intimacy. It’s also often a class signifier.

Nicknames and first names are used in all settings, no matter the gravity. Brazil’s president, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, is known to all by his nickname, Lula.

Clergymen, doctors, and other professionals are frequently known by an informal name. The phone book for the town of Claudio even lists inhabitants by their nicknames rather than their surnames. – Slate

So, that explains why they have guys known only as Ronaldo, Robinho and Ronaldino. However, I don’t know why majority of ‘em have names that begins with an R and then ends with an O. Heck, they even have a player named Rivaldo one time for crying out loud.

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America is not always a success story.

Yup, we all saw the fabled David Letterman – Jay Leno rivalry that almost resembles the New York – Los Angeles turf war. (Letterman is from New York while Leno is from L.A.) We also saw the incredible ”Lord of the Rings” and new ”Star Wars” trilogy that made nerds COOL.

However, America is not always the success story it wants us to believe. Here are just FIVE of the reasons why America can also be a living hell.

1. In the 1996 movie ”Kazaam,” Shaquille O’ Neal played a rapping genie who helps a kid reunite with his workaholic father. All you need to know about this HUGE BUST-BUSTER is the fact that someone from the Miami Heat actually tried to act.

2. Back in 1988, ”Vibes” featured two psychics played by Cyndi Lauper and Jeff Goldblum. Despite opening in more than 1,000 theaters, it grossed less than $2 million at the box office.

3. 1990’s ”Dick Tracy” has a cast that includes Warren Beatty, Madonna, Dustin Hoffman, Kathy Bates and Paul Sorvino. Yet the thing most people remember about the movie is that it was very bright and colorful. That is not a good sign.

4. Following the success of ”48 Hours” and ”Beverly Hills Cop,” Eddie Murphy scored a million dollar paycheck for about ten minutes in the horrific 1984 comedy ”Best Defense.”

5. 1959’s ”Plan 9 From Outer Space” is often described as the ”worst movie ever,” and it’s hard to argue with that label. Director Ed Wood put together an absolute classic mix of cheap props, inept acting and bad writing. Combined with the fact that star Bela Lugosi died during the shooting of the movie (he was replaced by an actor who hid his face with a cape), and you’re left with a movie that is impossible to get out out of your head once you’ve seen it.

Next time you visit the movie theater, be careful where you walk into. Before you know it, you’ll be psychologically scarred just like me when I saw Kazaam. Either that or just don’t watch movies featuring guys from the Miami Heat trying to act.

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Damn. Whatever happened to Kimi Raikkonen and team McLaren – Mercedes?

After ending the last Formula One season with a lot of promise, they became the fastest car in all of F1 after all late in the season but Alonso just got a whole bunch of points already to seal the 2005 F1 championship, the McLaren – Mercedes team is somewhat, non-existent this year.

Yup, that’s after they got a remarkable color change that will leave car enthusiasts drooling.

This season, the McLaren F1 machine is just all show and no, well… FLOW… so to speak. Hell, Kimi Raikkonen only has 39 measly points compared to Fernando Alonso’s whopping 84 for the drivers championship for crying out loud and Team McLaren has only scored 65 points to Renault’s 121.

Yup, I guess you can say that this season is virtually over as far as the Silver and Black is concerned. (Again…) Jeez Kimi, you gotta win one race.

Well, at the 2006 US Grand Prix, maybe either Kimi or Juan Pablo Montoya will win one for McLaren. Heck, they need a win to keep this season interesting at least.

Fernando Alonso will be out to make it five grand prix wins on the trot, and though Michael Schumacher would dearly love to stop him, it looks like McLaren are the ones with the topline speed right now.

Well, I’m hoping anyway.

So it’s more likely to be a Raikkonen vs Alonso dice at the front, with Michael Schumacher in close attendance. Unlike Canada, Turn 1 at Indy provides a big enough braking zone to get past slower cars, so the problem of Kimi being stuck behind that goddamn Spaniard shouldn’t present itself.

Oh yeah, the US Grand Prix did provide one of the most controversial episodes in sports. If ya’ll didn’t catch, all Michelin-powered F1 teams withdrew from the race in Indianapolis last year, because Michelin thought the Indianapolis track was just way too fast and way too dangerous for their tires.

Yeah, them Bridgestone-powered machines remained to start and finish the race. All six F1 cars including both cars from Ferrari that resulted to a Ferrari one-two 2005 US Grand Prix finish. He he…

[Will Kimi Raikkonen win the US Grand Prix? Will Michael Schumacher conquer Indianapolis? Or will Fernando Alonso dominate the rest of the field and rack up his fifth grand prix victory at the United States of America? Bet on Bodog today.]

Armageddon before Fourth of July perhaps?

Yup, apparently, a huge asteroid, approximately a half-mile in diameter, will make a very close encounter with the Earth right before Fourth of July. Yup, on July 3 to be exact.

Well, that is according to a Local 6 News report.

The asteroid is named 2004 XP14 and will be as close to the planet as the moon at around 12:25 am Monday morning.

The exact size of the said asteroid is not known as of press time but astronomers are hoping to get a better reading as it approaches closer.

Now what kind of shit is that?!? Ya’ll will wait for it to get closer first? Goddamn, it could be as big as the goddamn sun that can send us all to hell for crying out loud… Sheesh…

It’s nice to know where Americans’ hard-earned dollars go…

The 2004 XP14 asteroid was discovered by the Lincoln Laboratory Near Earth Asteroid Research (LINEAR) on Dec. 10, 2004.

Due to the proximity of its orbit to Earth and its diameter, 2004 XP14 has been classified as a ”Potentially Hazardous Asteroid” by the Minor Planet Center, according to a report on nasa.gov.

Local 6 News reported that the asteroid can be seen with a moderate-sized telescope. An asteroid the size of 2004 XP14 only comes so close to Earth about once every 1,500 years, according to a report.

Great. Maybe all of us won’t be here to celebrate Fourth of July after all.

[Celebrate Fourth of July and waive those American flags proud. For those of you who'll just stay home this Fourth of July, there's Bodog for some online betting action at home.]

Brazil. Five FIFA World Cup titles. Two Golden Ball winners.

That is the kind of team France will be facing this Saturday at the 2006 FIFA World Cup quarter-finals this Saturday in Frankfurt, Germany.

French striker, Thierry Henry, is saying he will ignore all these mumbo jumbo Brazil brings along every single time it graces the football field. Well, for the sake of France, let’s hope Henry can.

”If you go on the pitch with that on your mind, then there is no reason to go on the pitch,” Thierry Henry said.

He adds, ”We are going to go there with the right spirit.”

Yeah, RIIIGHT…

France will be a decided underdog in Frankfurt when it goes up against former three-time FIFA Player of the Year Ronaldo, a former Golden Ball winner, and the reigning two-time FIFA winner Ronaldinho, the current Golden Ball holder.

However, France has won two of the three meetings against Brazil at the World Cup including a 3-0 victory in the 1998 final, and in a penalty shootout in the 1986 quarter-finals when Luis Fernandez converted France’s winner after Michel Platini shot over the crossbar.

Brazil knows that France will be their toughest test yet.

”This will be our hardest match at the World Cup,” said Brazil midfielder Juninho, who has scored with 29 free-kicks for Lyon – impressive even by Brazilian standards.

”They play excellent football and are a good team who are dangerous, and they stick together as a unit and fight together,” Juninho adds.

[Will we see France upset the defending FIFA World Cup champions, Brazil? Or will Brazil destroy France en route to another FIFA World Cup title? Bet on Sports Interaction today.]

This Fourth of July, Americans will see a lot of American flags scattered all over their streets.

After all, it’s the Fourth of July for crying out loud and it is the Independence Day of the United States of America.

Yup, Americans will see a lot of them American flags alright but how can they tell if these flags are displayed properly? Apparently, there are proper ways to display a goddamn flag and here are some ways how an American can display his USA flag properly.

Yup, even if his USA soccer / football team got unceremoniously screwed at the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany. (Ouch, that still hurts…)

When the flag is displayed over the middle of the street, it should be suspended vertically with the union to the north in an east and west street or to the east in a north and south street. Wha?!?

The flag of the United States of America, when it is displayed with another flag against a wall from crossed staffs, should be on the right, the flag’s own right, that means the viewer’s left, and its staff should be in front of the staff of the other flag.

Hey, America doesn’t like it when something’s in front of it anyway. Yeah, things in front of the proud US of A gets NUKED to smithereens…

When the flag is used to cover a casket, it should be so placed that the union is at the head and over the left shoulder. The flag should not be lowered into the grave or allowed to touch the ground.

When the flag is displayed in a manner other than by being flown from a staff, it should be displayed flat, whether indoors or out. When displayed either horizontally or vertically against a wall, the union should be uppermost and to the flag’s own right, that is, to the observer’s left.

When displayed in a window it should be displayed in the same way, that is with the union or blue field to the left of the observer in the street. When festoons or rosettes are desired, bunting of blue, white and red should be used, but never the flag.

Man, there sure are a lot of ways to display the proud American flag properly. Whatever you do, don’t come to a Fourth of July parade with you wearing the American flag like a goddamn thong. Jeez, that kind of stuff will get ya’ killed.

[Celebrate Fourth of July and waive those American flags proud. For those of you who'll just stay home this Fourth of July, there's Bodog for some online betting action at home.]

Do you wanna keep those hands after these Fourth of July festivities?

If you do, and I know you lesbians sure want to keep them fingers, here are just some friendly reminders to keep in mind.

After all, a FINGER-LESS lesbian is like a man without a…

Well, you get my drift…

1. Never allow young children to play with fireworks, including sparklers.
2. Teach children that fireworks are not toys, and be sure to explain to them the danger of explosives.
3. Read the warnings and follow the instructions.
4. Never try to re-light fireworks that have not fully functioned.
5. Keep a bucket of water handy in case of a malfunction or fire.
6. Only light fireworks on a smooth, flat surface away from the house, dry leaves and flammable materials.
7. Never experiment or attempt to make your own fireworks.
8. Light one firework at a time.
9. Store fireworks in a cool, dry place.
10. Properly dispose of fireworks.

In case someone is burned by fireworks

1. Elevate wounded areas to reduce swelling and to stimulate the healing process.
2. Never burst blisters, which may cause infection because they act as natural dressings that help heal wounds. Rather, allow blisters to open naturally, and then apply antibiotic creams.
3. Avoid sun exposure, which enhances scarring, while burns are healing or blisters are present.
4. After the wounds have healed, always wear maximum sun-block protection over scars during sun exposure to minimize skin damage.
5. Once blisters disappear, use over-the-counter creams high in aloe, which are very soothing. The creams can also be used for first-degree burns such as sunburns.
6. Major burns require a specialist’s care, because often they result in acute burns that penetrate various skin layers, damaging tendons and muscles.

There you go, things you must remember this Fourth of July. Partying, having fun and all that is cool and all but ending up like one goddamn freak show is definitely not cool. For those of you who’ll just stay home this Fourth of July, there’s Bodog for some online betting action at home.

USA! USA!

Yeah, Americans sure love America. He he…

In a survey released by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, Americans are tops when it comes to national pride. Yup, even though the US soccer / football team got their asses kicked by… what’s that country?.. Oh yeah, Ghana.

A survey of 34 countries was conducted to find out which of these countries have the most patriotic citizens and apparently, AMERICANS conducting the AMERICAN survey found out that AMERICANS are no.1.

Hmm…

”The two things we rank high on are what we think of as the political or power dimension,” said Tom W. Smith, a researcher at the university.

He adds, ”Given that we’re the one world superpower, it’s not that surprising.”

Yeah, RIIIGHT…

Venezuela came in a close second in the survey, released by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

People rated how proud they were of their countries in 10 areas: political influence, social security, the way their democracy works, economic success, science and technology, sports, arts and literature, military, history, and fair treatment of all groups in society. – Local6

This AMERICAN survey ranked the U.S. highest (duh!) in five categories. Those are pride in its democracy, political influence, economy, science and military while runner-up Venezuela ranked highest in sports, (yes sports) arts and literature, history and fair treatment of all groups in society. (Whatever the hell that means…)

Ireland came in at No. 3, followed by South Africa and Australia.

According to Tom Smith, cultural differences might explain the lower rankings for the three Asian countries on the list, countries like Japan (18th), Taiwan (29th), and Korea (31). ”It is both bad luck and poor manners to be boastful about things there,” Smith said.

Countries that were part of the former Soviet Union or in the former Eastern Bloc ranked lower because, according to Smith, they are still struggling to find new national identities. Hungary was the highest Eastern European country on the list at 21.

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Argentina’s Horacio Elizondo will be the referee for the England – Portugal quarter-final match.

Just in case you don’t know this Horacio Elizondo, he is the same man who red-carded Beckham six years ago. And after six long years, he will be on the same field with the England superstar again this Saturday at the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany.

For Beck’s sake, let’s hope Elizondo won’t screw England out of the 2006 FIFA World Cup tournament. After all, I like England. He he…

Both Horacio Elizondo and David Beckham are two guys you can’t call as friends. No siree. Elizondo sent-off Beckham for a studs-up tackle during Manchester United’s match against Mexican side Necaxa in the first game of the 2000 World Club Championship in Brazil.

The midfielder’s lunge at Jose Milian revived doubts about his temperament following his sending-off at the 1998 World Cup, but he was defended by Sir Alex Ferguson after the match.

Since then, Elizondo, 42, has officiated at the Olympic football tournament in Athens in 2004, and the opening match of this World Cup between Germany and Costa Rica. – ESPN

Apparently, this Horacio Elizondo guy has been surrounded with controversy every fucking time he gets on a football field.

During South Korea’s match against Switzerland, he raised a couple of eyebrows when he overruled his linesman’s offside flag and allowed Alexander Frei to make it 2-0.

[Can England beat Portugal or will Beckham's history with Elizondo be enough to have Portugal upset England? Sports Interaction has the odds on the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany. Bet on SIA today.]

Roger Clemens is STILL playing professional MLB baseball. How about that.

Yup, you read it, and MLB fans saw Clemens stagger through an inning this early in the brand new MLB season that seemed to last almost as long as Francisco Liriano’s entire career.

STILL he was Roger Clemens. And Roger Clemens is just enough to SELL TICKETS. Roger Clemens STILL is just enough to fill every goddamn seat at the Minute Maid Park. Which was the least a guy making almost $750,000 per trip to the mound could do.

So is Roger Clemens STILL that good? Good enough to still be playing professional MLB baseball? His catcher, Brad Ausmus, has some of the answers to that argument.

”He might be as good of a lefty as I’ve ever faced,” said Ausmus.

”Well, I’ve faced Randy [Johnson], I don’t want to say yet that he’s better than Randy Johnson because Randy has done so much. But his stuff is as good as any lefty I’ve ever seen,” he adds.

Clemens may not be the dominating factor he was once was. But to expect that would have been insane anyway, after only three tune-up starts.

In the last game pitched by ”the Rocket” where the Astros faced-off against the Twins, he ran seven 3-ball counts, he threw just 10 first-pitch strikes in 26 hitters, and it took him 61 pitches to get six outs in the second and third innings, 38 of them in the third inning alone.

In one stretch, during those second and third innings, six Twins reached base 10 hitters. But Clemens was able to squirm out of both of those crises, allowing only two runs. And that was the one part of his night that felt like vintage Roger Clemens.

Other than that, he could be just one fat miserable fuck who doesn’t know squat when to call it quits.

[Can Roger Clemens lead the Houston Astros to the World Series? Bodog has the answers, bet on Bodog today.]