J.J. Jack Shit

Will he play? That is the question England is asking.

Wayne Rooney's chances of playing for Sven-Goran Eriksson's England team just took yet another blow.

The CT scan that could either give Rooney the go-signal of playing for the 2006 FIFA Word Cup has been brought forward to June 7, a mere two days before Eriksson can make a decision and finalize his circus of a team for England. Erikkson can make final alterations for his team on or before June 9.

Hey, you guys will get annihilated by Brazil anyway so what's the F*CKIN' point?!?

While United are refusing to give any credence to weekend reports that the Old Trafford club felt Eriksson had been too optimistic in his assessment of the results of the scan Rooney had on Thursday, it now seems the forward is less likely to play in Germany than the England manager previously felt.

While United stress the next scan is 'precautionary', it is stating the obvious to say the injury is less likely to have healed than it would have done had the scan taken place on June 14 as originally intended.

Confirmation that the fracture involved a joint is also telling, as breaks of this nature usually take longer to heal. – ESPN

Uh-oh…

Under FIFA regulation, Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Rooney's pro-league team, Manchester United, can't do anything if Eriksson would still summon the injured Rooney to be a part of his England unit.

I guess they just don't want to be involved in ANY dispute with Manchester United over a player who could be vital to England for, say, the next decade.

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C'mon man, why did you have to ruin an almost perfect weekend?

That's how Ferrari fans could very well describe Michael Schumacher's weekend in Monte Carlo for the 2006 Monaco Grand Prix.

Schumacher had the fastest time in qualifying to earn pole position, something that is very important in Monaco, considering that the track doesn't give any opportunities for any driver of overtaking.

Then, as the qualifying session ends, Michael Schumacher had to pull off this moronic stunt.

Michael Schumacher has been moved to the back of the grid for the Monaco Grand Prix after stewards concluded that he deliberately blocked the track in the closing stages of qualifying, preventing rivals from beating his time.

Schumacher appeared to lock his brakes and then run wide as he entered the final Rascasse corner in the dying moments of the session. The former champion regained control without hitting the barriers, but came to a halt with his stalled car partially blocking the circuit, forcing other drivers to slow down. – The Official Formula 1 Website

And so, Michael Schumacher started at the very back of the grid at raceday, allowing Fernando Alonso, with the second-fastest time in qualifying, to take pole position.

Alonso was never challenged for the race lead, yup, the Monaco Grand Prix is a bitch if you try for overtaking maneuvers. Sorry, not in this track. The result was the inevitable, another win for the Spaniard.

Fuck.

The result gives Alonso an even more comfortable lead in the drivers' championship, with 64 points to Schumacher's 43. In the constructors', Renault now lead Ferrari by 91 points to 63.

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Oh, you mean that moron playing for Phoenix?

Or that asshole wearing no.19 who comes out of the locker room to put somebody in a goddamn wheelchair instead of playing some basketball?

Oh yes, that's Raja Bell.

Raja Bell's career is all but over. So what does he do to stir up some controversy and have everybody talk about him again? Well, showcase some moves he learned while watching the World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and put them on, say a Kobe Bryant.

Now THAT stuff can get you killed. And yes, Raja Bell DOES receives some death threats.

For many fans, their introduction to Raja Bell The Player came courtesy of Raja Bell The Wrestler, on May 2, the night he whacked Kobe Bryant. It was Game 5, a blowout win for the Suns in their first-round matchup with the Lakers. With 7:33 left to play, Bell wrapped his left arm around Bryant's neck and threw him to the floor.

He complained later that Kobe was elbowing him, but Bell's real beef with Bryant seemed to run much deeper. – ESPN

Raja Bell said, ''My problem with Kobe isn't that he doesn't respect me. I felt he was disrespecting me, and that he didn't care that he was doing it. I don't need respect, but you're not going to disrespect me.''

Well… Boo-hoo… Even I don't respect stupid morons like you… And I know some stupid morons like you don't respect me either… Like these morons for example.

''I feed off of that stuff,'' Bell adds. ''As many contracts I get or years I play, I still feel like an underdog. That's what keeps me motivated in the gym on an off-day or on the treadmill in my house. It works for me. It's the way I have to be to have that edge.''

Well, that's one thing we have in common. We feed off that stuff. That keeps you motivated in the gym, and in my case, it keeps me writing about these stupid morons and bastardize them so bad, their grandmother will feel me in their next two or three birthdays…

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Ohmigod…

That's what fans of them Detroit Pistons, me being one of 'em, can say after watching Shaquille O'Neal return to his vintage form in this best-of-seven Eastern Conference finals series.

A series that looks so damn close to being a Miami Heat parade to the NBA Finals.

A series that looks so damn close to being a farewell party for Detroit.

But hey, they STILL need to beat the Pistons ONE MORE TIME so I ain't losing hope on my Pistons yet.

In Game 4, Shaquille O'Neal dropped 21 points, nine rebounds and two blocked shots to help the Miami Heat fuel a 3-1 lead in this best-of-seven series. Well, that is nothing compared to the play he had that sent the Miami crowd into an utter frenzy.

O'Neal, all 325 pounds of the 34-year-old giant, stole the ball from Richard Hamilton, grabbing the loose ball, driving the distance of the court and then kissing one off the glass in the second quarter.

It seemed as if O'Neal took about some extra steps to go the distance on a play that had the sellout crowd roaring and Heat players smiling, a play that most likely will be shown over and over again. – Miami Herald

Yes, Dwyane Wade is one heckuva' player but without Shaq, the Miami Heat could very well be the ones on the bitter end of a 3-1 series. Man, how I wish Shaq was playing for Detroit…

Shaq is making his free throws too. And man, he sure is working on it like Mike Tyson on a goddamn whore. Whenever Pat Riley goes cheap, going for their Hack-A-Ben strategy, Flip Saunders retaliates, whenever he can, with his Hack-A-Shaq.

The only difference there is, Ben Wallace is shooting like a damn retard while Shaq's shooting them like Mark FUCKING Price…

These are the stuff that makes these 2006 NBA Playoffs more intriguing than it already is.

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Domination.

This is exactly what Rafael Nadal displayed, every single time he plays clay. And no, I'm not talking about the times Nadal plays and then eats his Play-Doh.

Last week, Nadal's phone rang (who cares huh?) and on the other end of the line was tennis legend, Guillermo Vilas, a four Grand Slam title champion and the very man who held a record of consecutive victories on clay since 1977.

A record never broken, until a Rafael Nadal came in.

Vilas said, ''I'm angry. You're showing a lack of respect for your elders. If I see you, I don't know what I'm going to do to you.''

Hmm… A little bitter perhaps?

Nadal, being the stupid Spaniard that he is, (and the last thing we need is yet another stupid Spaniard changing sports history eh?) Nadal stammered for a moment before catching on.

Nadal broke Vilas' mark with his 54th straight win on clay, overcoming a 4-2 deficit in the 68-minute second set and beating Robin Soderling of Sweden 6-2, 7-5, 6-1 at Roland Garros to begin defense of his first Grand Slam title.

On-court trophy ceremonies are usually reserved for the closing weekend of a major tennis tournament. Yet after finishing off Soderling, Nadal was presented with a rectangular glass box containing the multiple layers of a clay court, and highlights from his French Open championship were shown on the video screens overhead.

A tad over the top? Perhaps. But everyone seemed to agree this is an impressive achievement. – ESPN

Impressive? Well, if you wanna impress J.J. Jack, you'll show me one of them erotic positions, hold it for an hour, and then take in all of my long and throbbing di…

And no, I'm not asking Nadal. Maybe his girlfriend Maria perhaps?

''It's a lot of tournaments, a lot of matches,'' Rafael Nadal said. ''Getting the record here adds something extra.''

''It's satisfying because he knows he's entered tennis history a bit,'' said Nadal's coach and uncle, Toni. ''We know that the main thing is not to break these records, but to win tournaments.''

Exactly.

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Aren't they all?

In Clairefontaine, France, several France players like Thierry Henry, criticized the Paris crowd for booing their team in a soccer game.

A game in which they won, 1-0, over Mexico for their World Cup warm-up game.

''We're starting to wonder whether the Paris fans really want us to win games,'' Arsenal striker, Thierry Henry said.

Henry was a substitute at Stade de France and stayed on the bench.

The Paris crowd booed coach Raymond Domenech, goalkeeper Fabien Barthez and a couple more players during the team announcement. Whistles were heard afterwards when midfielder Vikash Dhorasoo came in for Zinedine Zidane.

Zinedine Zidane will be retiring after the 2006 FIFA World Cup. Zidane was playing his last match on the pitch, scoring twice in France's 3-0 upset of Brazil in the 1998 World Cup finals.

''You would never see that in England,'' said Henry. ''Even when we're losing at Highbury, the fans keep cheering and supporting us.''

''Fabien (Barthez) received a yellow card at one stage and you had the impression that it made the fans happy,'' he added.

''I can't believe it,'' Liverpool forward Djibril Cisse said. ''In England such a thing would be unthinkable. Maybe it's just a cultural thing but it is a problem.''

Defender Willy Sagnol also had tough words for the crowd's behavior.

''I'm fed up with it,'' he said. ''It's been going on for a while. The fans have got to understand that when they boo the goalkeeper or another player, they make life difficult for all of us on the pitch.''

The France team get plenty of support when they play in Marseille, Lens or St Etienne but have often had problems at Stade de France, which was built for the 1998 World Cup finals and was inaugurated in January that year. – ESPN

With this kind of moronic sport, can the France team reign supreme at the 2006 FIFA World Cup? As of press time, they have a 12/1 odds to win it, but with this kind of support from your OWN countrymen, that doesn't mean shit.

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Coach Flip, Ben Wallace can't guard Shaq with single coverage.

You must've known this by now, after watching Shaq pound Detroit inside the paint in games 1 and 3.

Yes, Ben Wallace is an excellent defender, but goddammit, Shaq is seven-feet tall and surely, you can't expect somebody at 6'9'' stop this seven-foot, 300-pound monster.

Jeez…

I know I know, the Pistons thrive in these situations, situations that place their entire season on the line with just one goddamn game.

Yeah, it's great to see the Pistons come back from precarious situations but c'mon, they can't do that ALL THE TIME, hell, they're THIS close from giving me a heart attack…

So puh-lease Pistons… Do all of us a favor and just double-team Shaq. Dwyane Wade can hurt you with timely shots from the perimeter but hey, as good as Dwyane is, he's still not Kobe Bryant and with that said, he'll miss some of them jumpers sooner or later so you just have to let him shoot and hope that he'll miss.

Also, what the F*CK's up with Rip Hamilton?!?

Rip is just there, standing still, while watching Rasheed Wallace turn the basketball over yet again. C'mon Rip, YOU GOTTA MOVE YO' FEET. Dwyane Wade is quick but he's already worn out due to the wear and tear of the season. KEEP MOVING YOUR FEET man and Dwyane Wade won't be able to catch up after five or six minutes.

Last but not the least, my man, Rasheed… Please STOP BEING A JACKASS JACKING UP THREES… Jeez… You're a mismatch at the low post and surely, you can have your way with Udonis Haslem inside.

Okay, so here we are, down 2-1. If you guys don't get your act together soon, you can leave Florida down 3-1 in this series against a very hungry Miami Heat team. Game 4 is a big game, and you guys need this one more than Miami needs it.

Just win it and let Pat Riley's CHEAP Hack-A-Ben strategy blow up on his face.

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Game Sevens.

These are the games where we see Michael Jordan take his defender before burning that fade-away jumper down. These are the games where we see the better team come back from a 30-point deficit to beat an opponent with pure determination.

Game Sevens, quite frankly, redefine what competition is really about. And these 2006 NBA Playoffs saw a lot of that.

On that note, let's take a look at some of the best Game Sevens the NBA has ever seen. Get ready for nostalgia because we will take a trip back in history and see who became legends then, and who were buried in the bottomless pit of mediocrity.

On May 31, 1998, the Eastern Conference Finals saw a pivotal Game Seven between the Indiana Pacers and the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls had not been tested in a Game 7 since 1992 when they destroyed a New York Knicks team led by the incomparable Patrick Ewing, 110-81.

Everything was going for Indiana as Michael Jordan struggled with a dismal 9-25 shooting from the field. But the rest of the Bulls just refused to give in and after Steve Kerr buried a three-pointer, after Scottie Pippen made a big jump shot and after Ron Harper made a crucial defensive stop, the Bulls ran away with an 88-83 win.

On June 2, 2002, the NBA Western Conference Finals saw Chris Webber crack under pressure, missing his last four shots, to give the Los Angeles Lakers a 112-106 overtime win over his Sacramento Kings. It wasn't easy for the Lakers as they needed Kobe to play 52 of the game's 53 minutes to have 30 points, 10 rebounds and 7 assists and compliment Shaq's 35-point-13-rebound performance.

And finally, perhaps the most painful of all Game Sevens, well… at least for Detroit fans is Game Seven of the NBA Finals last June 23, 2005 between them Pistons and the San Antonio Spurs. It was a dramatic Game 7, as both teams were tied at 57 to start the fourth and final quarter.

The Pistons led by as many as nine points in the third but the Pistons backcourt just came up short the rest of the second half. The Spurs bagged the NBA Championship via an 81-74 win over Detroit. It was an impressive title run. A title run cut short by Dallas this year.

Ha ha.

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''I felt something lick my foot.''

That's how a woman described her somewhat, weird ordeal as she unloaded her groceries at a Wal-Mart parking lot.

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, police is searching for a man who hid under his victim's car to lick the victim's toes. The victim, a woman, loaded her groceries into her car when the culprit couldn't help himself and placed his tongue on the woman's somewhat ''sexy toes.''

That is according to the report filed after the incident.

The woman was at the Tulsa Wal-Mart located near 81st Street and Lewis when she suddenly felt her toes being licked.

She thought it was a dog. When she looked down, she saw a man lying under her car.

The woman said, ''I felt something lick my foot. I looked at him and I said, 'What in the hell are you doing?' And that's exactly what I said.''

Um… Nothing lady. Just helping you cure athlete's foot perhaps?

The culprit got up and ran away before police arrived at the scene.

The woman said the man who licked her toes is Hispanic or Indian, about 5-foot-9 and weighs 150 pounds. He was wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans.

The victim filed a police report and a witness also saw it happen. – Local 6

A Tulsa County assistant district attorney said that if this ''toe licking bandit'' is caught, he'll face a misdemeanor charge of battery or outraging public decency.

The morale of this story? Do yourself a favor and don't shop at Wal-Mart. Sheesh…

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Where's Pamela Anderson when you need her?

As of press time, the Detroit Pistons are still trying to figure out how many games will they allow Pat Riley to win. As of the moment, the Dallas Mavericks are still setting up Steve Nash to his most humiliating playoff series defeat. Ever.

Yup, Detroit and Dallas ain't over the hump of their respective Conference Finals series yet BUT I tell you this, it's only a matter of time.

Why will the Detroit Pistons advance despite dropping the all-important Game 1 of their Eastern Conference Finals series with Miami? Well, for one, Detroit is a team who digs a hole for itself first before finding that ''button'' to turn it on.

When turned on, that's all she wrote.

Rip said it best after they ended LeBron's stupid kingdom in Game 7 of the East Semis. ''If it ain't rough, it ain't right.''

Many are counting out the Pistons already. Heck, someone even told me that Miami will sweep the Pistons and it will be Miami going up against the Phoenix Suns in the NBA Finals.

Jeez… That guy must be living in bizarro world.

I told him to just shut the fuck up and put his money where his mouth is. (Which you can, if I may add, with NINE.com. Now that's marketing for ya…)

Apparently, he's chicken shit. He he…

As for Dallas, well… Steve Nash ain't Dirk Nowitzki. Simple as that. Now I don't know what go into David Stern's mind to award Nash the MVP award but that Canadian is just a miserable joke and it's up to Nowitzki to expose that exactly.

No one player in these playoffs has a longer to-do list than the Mavs' man. Nowitzki isn't just far and away Dallas' primary scoring option; he also has to be the Mavs' best rebounder and playmaker and supply a good bit of their swagger every night.

LeBron James had as much to do for the Cavs, of course, but Dirk's still playing and got the Mavs past an obstacle that had impeded them all century. – ESPN

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